Both squads contained players of all sizes, whose ages ranged from eighteen to fifty. Many of these ageing titans were old enemies and greeted each other with hearty thumps in the ribs or crafty knees in the groin (when the ref wasn’t looking of course.) Old debts were settled and new ones incurred to be settled next time.

James Hale, Saints fly half, cunningly sliced his kick-off so that it failed to go ten metres. Bognor fell into the simple trap and, naturally, opted for a scrum on the halfway line. Who among you would not have done ? Saints then played one of their (very few) trump cards, and got the push on. Mark Eastman heeled against the head enabling Saints to attack down the blind side. Almost immediately they were threatening to score and the game was scarcely more than a minute old. Were these the seconds I know and love, I asked myself ?

Instead, bu***r it, Bognor scored. How did that happen ? Somehow Bognor kept Saints out, forcing them to switch the ball across to the other wing. When that move broke down mainly because the ball came across too bloody slowly, Bognor came away with possession and their very fast winger ran the length of the field to score the first try of the game which was converted.

Mark Eastman didn’t know it but he was about to have a very enjoyable first half. I counted six heels against the head and I expect there were a few I didn’t notice. Of course it helps if you are the hooker to have a good scrum behind you and he had. (they weren’t tired yet !)

(Given Johno’s front row problems with the English squad, may I as a neutral Irishman, ha-ha, recommend Mark as English hooker. Who else can equal him when it comes to heels against the head? O.K. maybe he is a bit slow around the park but so are most of the rest of that squad.)

Oh, I almost forgot ! Saints fought back immediately and soon equalised, Dave Nolan going over for the try. James Hale added the points.

Within a couple of minutes Bognor went ahead again with a well worked try from midfield. Their centre made a long sinewy run which cut through Saints defence like a hot knife through butter to score under the posts. Again it was converted. Within minutes Bognor went further ahead when they took advantage of confusion in the Saints defence to score their third try, again adding the conversion. So now with the game a mere ten minutes old, it’s 21 - 7 to Bognor.

Bognor, Bu***r it, were on a roll !

Several times one or other Saints defender only just got back to rescue craftily placed kicks from being touched down by one or other of the very fast Bognor backs.

Then Bognor almost added a fourth but that man again Mark Eastham managed to get both hands under it to hold it up on the line.

Then Saints began to fight back and played some fast open rugby of their own to which Bognor had no satisfactory answer. They soon clawed back seven points with a fine try by Gavin Porter which Hale again converted. It was all Saints now and sustained pressure saw Gavin Porter get his second and their third try. James Hale’s third conversion equalised the game at twenty-one all after less than thirty minutes play.

Gavin Porter, was playing the game of his life and later on saved at least two certain tries by reading the game well and by being fit enough to get back in time to where the action was.

(Can I please have some of whatever Big Gav’s on ! At my age its might make a difference to so many things….!)

Saints continued to play enterprising open rugby and soon went ahead with a fourth try with Imi Singh bursting over the Bognor line to put Saints in the lead for the first time. About this time the Bognor pack leader, yes, the titan with the stentorian voice, demanded “send me another “fuc***g hooker”. (I honestly didn’t know there was any other kind, mate. But you live and learn.)

At half-time the score remained at 26 - 21. Saints deserved their slender lead with both teams having all to play for in the second half.

Bognor brought some subs on at half time to strengthen their scrum and immediately enjoyed most of the play for the next twenty minutes.

Bognor applied sustained pressure to the Saint’s line. Several times a try looked absolutely certain but time and again Saints defence held. As I have already said but I’ll say it again Gavin Porter twice saved what looked like certain tries. Will Roadknight did likewise, his vast experience proving invaluable to Saints. On another occasion it was Gerry Bush who saved the try with a fine catch in a dangerous position right in front of Saints goal posts. Young James Smyth showed a clean pair of heels to Bognor’s hounds on a couple of occasions and was unlucky that at least one of his breaks didn’t lead directly to a score.

The young James Coxhall came on and celebrated a big upcoming birthday by showing that he could more than hold his own in such titanic company. Matt Ledger who has had few opportunities to play for a winning team (and has never complained about it) showed his appreciation by putting in one big tackle and running and covering like the experienced player he is becoming.

Saints forwards benefited from the system of rolling substitutions allowed and returned refreshed to the fray. They held their nerve and the scrum despite Bognor’s second half pressure. The line outs were more equal but I felt that Bognor’s was the more predictable and therefore vulnerable. Saints backs got some very quick lineout ball. As always it makes a difference if your half backs know what they are supposed to be doing with it. And Steven Hand and James Hale did just that, keeping the game tight and only releasing the backs when they had good field position. They controlled a lot of the game, I thought.

With only fifteen minutes or so left Saints finally managed a counter attack from within their own half and broke the deadlock From it Saints went further ahead when Tom Bruce and Matt Jeater (two more evergreen Titans) combined to send Paul Smith over. This try put Saints ten points ahead with fifteen minutes to go. The game continued to ebb and flow with both sides striving to play constructive rugby until the final whistle despite the onset of fatigue.

It would be a travesty not to mention Saints unsung heroes, Those power House Titans : the front and second rows who didn’t take a step backward (or so they told me after the game) Will Arney, Chris Eagle, The terrible twins Simon Trevaskis (Jelly) and Simon Knight, and Big Pete Mitchell who towered above the line out yet again.

Finally there’s the captain, Steven Hand; What can I say that I haven’t said before? His half time team talks should be recorded so that future generations of Saint’s players can turn to them for inspiration, rugby wisdom - and a bloody good laugh.

The skill, enthusiasm and sportsmanship with which the game was played reflects great credit on amateur rugby in general and the game of Rugby Union in particular.

Not for these men fake blood capsules and funny noses bought from joke shops or coke dealers. Not for them colourless and boring draws characterised by safety first rugby and a score line which reads three penalties apiece. Of course passes were dropped, others went forward, and mistakes were made but the same things happen in every professional game of rugby too.

Rugby - among other things - is about taking advantage of mistakes; usually those of your opponents but sometimes those of your team mates as well.

Every player is to be congratulated for providing the spectators and each other with an entertaining and exciting game of (co***) rugby. What better way to pass a Saturday afternoon ?

Squad : Forwards - Will Arney, Chris Eagles, Mark Eastman, Imi Singh, Simon Knight, Simon Trevaskis, Will Roadknight, Pete Mitchell, Dave Nolan, Gavin Porter, Matt Jeater; Backs - Steven Hand (Capt.) James Hale, Matt Ledger, Tom Bruce, Paul Smyth, Gerry Bush, James Smyth, Simon Coxall.